The Lesser Known I Have a Dream speech

I have a dream to be able to stay home with my child(ren), not just while they're babies or toddlers, but well into their teen years. I have a dream that we will build a daily routine together of naps, playtime, feedings, daily exercise, laundry, meal preparations for daddy, and of course, Oprah. I have a dream that my contribution of staying at home with the children will be deemed just as important as the job of the one who earns an income.

About ten years ago I came to a realization: When I have children, I don't want to work, or at the very least work a job from home, but really, who am I kidding, I would prefer not to work. I think I caught a segment back in the day on 20/20 on how having two people work out of home while paying for childcare just wasn't making sense (or cents) for this one particular family. It really stuck with me. Basically the one with the lesser income was simply working to cover childcare, in other words, her contribution to the family in terms of money was meek and not worth the effort she was putting out.

And here I am ten weeks shy of having a baby and I feel very strongly staying at home is what will be best for the baby, me and the family. X disagrees. No, that's not entirely true. He's all for me staying home with the baby, but only if it makes sense financially, and to him, right now it does not make sense financially. I disagree with him. It does make sense financially: my job isn't paying me an exorbitant paycheck every two weeks and thus similar to the 20/20 show, I don't feel my income will cover anything but maybe daycare, my car payment and the gas to/from work and to/from the baby's daycare. I'm willing to sell my car to eliminate that monthly payment, especially since X has two vehicles, only one of which he makes a payment on. I think that alone will be enough to allow me to stay home with the baby.

I want to stay home with the baby more than anything: more than having the latest fashion in my closet, more than having a cell phone, more than having cable, more than having my own vehicle. My baby is only a baby once and I don't want to miss out on this.

X thinks I'm going to continue to work, but I'm determined to make this happen. Just like I WILLED for my child to be a girl, I'm going to WILL that I stay home with the baby. I'm not going to limit myself or us. I have confidence great opportunities are coming our way, opportunities that make sense for the family, and I'm going to trust in God that it will all happen. God knows the desires of my heart and He will make it work!


(BTW, ten bucks to whoever can figure out where the post title came from. Ok, maybe not ten bucks, but at least the pride of knowing you're correct.)

That's One, Little Baby

I stayed up until the wee hours of the night (ok, 1 am, but for a pregnant chick that's way past my bedtime) preparing the invitations for my baby shower in Pecos. I hole-punched 75 invitations and adorned them with a lovely pink ribbon with white polka dots, so they would be ready to mail today. Needless to say, I'm super tired. I had my first cup of real coffee this morning to get me through the fog. (The only caffeine my baby has been subjected to is from chocolate and the occasional glass of ice tea. I know it's ok to have caffeine in moderation, but I'm choosing to avoid it for the most part altogether.)

While I was hole-punching invitation number 47, I realized this was my first late-nighter preparing something for the baby, something that she would benefit from. It reminded me of someone who would do the same for me: Oh, yes, that's right - my mother! Like the time she sewed a purple and gold cheerleading uniform for my 4th grade homecoming. Or the time she sewed my prom dress (actually dresses, one for my junior prom and one for my senior prom). And the time she made me gingerbread cookies for my 5th grade Christmas class party, even though what I meant to ask for were those sugar cookies you decorate with icing. And I'm sure there were countless other times she stayed up late, gave of herself, sacrificed sleep, just so her little mija could have what she wanted/needed. I guess that's what mom's do, the good ones at least. And now it seems it's my turn. Not sure I'll be able to do half the job my mother did, but I'm going to try.

Related to the baby shower, I finally finished registering. Finally! I'm not even sure if all the stuff I have on there is even necessary, but I added it just in case. I figure people are going to get me what they want and think I'll need, and maybe they know better than I do, so I will gladly accept whatever. If it's something I can't use, I'll just try to return it.

In other baby-related news, I had an appointment on Friday and this time I only gained 4lbs, which the nurse noted was much better. The only thing I changed was I snacked less at work, only ate when I was hungry and limited my carbs in the evenings. Ashley and I continue to walk, though I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it, 'cause we've been walking pretty consistently since November. Either way, I was pretty happy with myself.

I asked the nurse what she thought the baby's size might be and she estimated her to be around 3lbs. I'm now in week 30 with ten to go and I'm beginning to get nervous about the baby's size. I would love for her to be a solid eight, but not more than that. If she gets too large the doctor said it might require a c-section, which doesn't thrill me, but having the baby vaginally doesn't thrill me either. Truly, I would love too have her via magician. Yes, that's right: magician. I want David Copperfield to lay a handkerchief on my belly, move his fingers about in some weird motion above it, say "abra cadabra" and TA-DAH! have the baby magically appear with no pain, scarring, tearing, cutting of any kind. Probably not very plausible though, huh?

Made a Decision

Ok, so I finally decided: I'm going to take the childbirth education course. I was really on the fence about it. I just figured the course may be my only opportunity to get some of my questions answered by a real-life medical professional. Plus, since this course is being offered at the exact location where I'll be having the baby, it'll allow me to get familiar with the hospital and whatnot. The good news is the course doesn't begin until March 31 and ends on May 5 - my due date, which means all the information will be fresh on my mind. And if the baby comes early, but she better not, then I may not have to attend all the classes. Also, I feel at the end of March most of the big things will have been taken care of by that point, so hopefully all I'll be doing is coasting the last month and a little class once a week shouldn't be too much to handle.

Some thoughts on selfishness...
I don't want to be a selfish person who always must get her way, but at the same time I realize when I'm selfless and give of myself, there's a person on the receiving end being selfish, thus getting what they want out of the situation and taking from me. Now I would be willing to overlook the other person's selfishness if it happened every once in a while or if the person was good at being selfless also, but when I'm the one constantly giving and giving, this doesn't seem exactly fair. Am I making sense? I don't want to be selfish, but at the same time I don't want someone taking advantage of my selflessness. I want to be a giving person and help people out, but I also want others to give to me and help me out as well. But the very act of me wanting someone to give to me and to help me sounds selfish, doesn't it? See, it seems like a catch 22.

Then there's the whole "do whatever will make you happy" idea. Most people strive for happiness in their life, but if you are only living to make yourself happy, that is pretty selfish, don't ya think? (Unless you're one of those people who loves to give of themself to others and that's what makes you happy, good for you then.) Granted we do need to take time out for ourselves and do what makes us happy, but at the same time if our happiness is at the expense of someone's unhappiness, that's not right either.

I'm really not going anywhere with this. These are just thoughts. What are your's?




P.S. Is anyone else's blogger spellcheck not working?

My Time is Coming

Yesterday I was in my apartment with the screen door opened and I could hear a baby crying outside. I thought to myself, "I'm going to hear that every day soon." Then I whimpered like a sad, little puppy.

I find myself whimpering a lot these days. I whimper 'cause I imagine the day of, the big day, the one that will go down as probably my best and worst day ever. As the day nears, the whimpers become more frequent. Every time a thought comes to mind on the whole labor/delivery/birth experience, I whimper. I don't whimper about the before or the after, just the actual moment. I'm whimpering right now as I type.

I asked X last night if he was ready for the baby. He answered yes. I reminded him that we would never be alone again. He was ok with that. I reminded him that there would be no more get-up-and-go, but instead we would always have to pack a bag, make sure we had diapers, a change of clothes, etc. He once again made it seem like it was not going to be a big deal. I don't know if he's being realistic about the whole thing. In my head I'm not expecting a cakewalk, yet I'm not expecting gloom and doom either. I don't spend a whole lot of time with the infant variety, but I do understand babies have their difficult moments and their incredibly cute-oh-I-could-just-eat-you-up moments. Then again when they stop acting so cute, I usually hand 'em back to the mother. This time I'm going to be the mother.

That's the toughest part for me to accept is that I'm going to have this new little being and I'm the one responsible for it. As my mother put it, you stop living for yourself and start living for the child. Hmmm, what's that like? Talk about unchartered territory. You know that ol' Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac song Landslide? There's that one verse that goes like...

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
cause I've built my life around you"

That's kind of how I'm feeling right now, except instead of you it's me. I've built my life around me and now all that's changing. When I'm tired, I sleep. When I'm hungry, I eat. When I want to clean, I clean. If I want to go to dinner with friends, I go. I've lived a pretty selfish life. Selfishness doesn't go with motherhood. I'm not sure how all this is going to go over once my little precious arrives.

They say your life changes when you look at your newborn child for the first time. Well, in about eleven weeks we'll see. [More whimpering.]

Birthing Education Course: Sí or no?

In my head I've been debating whether I should take this birthing education course provided free of charge at the hospital I'll be delivering at. This is a six week course covering the following:

Stages of Labor
Choices in Childbirth & Anesthesia
Hands on Lamaze techniques
Breast feeding and bottle feeding
Postpartum care
Hands on baby care

It's two hours per week. Does anyone think it's worth it? Sure, it's free, but it'll be costing me in time and energy. Have any of you ever taken a similar course before having a baby? And if so, did any of the information really come in handy?

Honestly, I don't want to. One friend pointed out it will help prepare me for what to expect on the big day. I've already read up on "the big day" and all it's really doing is adding fuel to my already frightened and overactive fire of an imagination. Plus, my other thought is pilgrims didn't take this course and those who survived birth did ok. I'm kinda thinking I'll just go with the flow of the day. But then again maybe this is me being stupid.

Thoughts/comments?

Let Me Complain For a Bit

I'm tired. I was tired when I got in bed last night, but sleep did not come. I don't know why, but I know it was past 12:30 when I finally fell asleep.

This weekend was a whirlwind. On Saturday morning before the crack of dawn X and I made our way down that familiar road to our beloved Pecos city, a five hour trip, mind you. A memorial service was held Saturday at noon for my uncle. It was a simple mass with only a photo of my uncle to remind us of the life lost. Seeing a photo of someone still does not make it real. In my head I still believe he's living his life in California and in about a year or two he'll be making his yearly visit to Texas. Except that he won't.

I was appointed to say some words. I never know if the words I write will do any justice, but people seemed to be please with it. I was glad to do it, mostly because my dad asked me to, but still it's a great responsibility to put a pen to it. I did my best and I guess that's all you can really ask for.

Ok, on to the complaining...

Grievance # 1:

I'm tired of the hodge podge spare room I have at the apartment. Did I tell you I got a two bedroom apartment? Well, I got a two bedroom apartment. The extra bedroom has a few boxes, X's old leather loveseat sofa, my computer, my old dining room chairs, my glass top kitchen table and a bunch of other random little things. I'm so over it! I want to set it up into a functional bedroom already!

I'm sure yall are wondering if I'm going to set it up as the baby's nursery. The answer is no. A move will likely happen at the end of my six month lease and I didn't see it as being worth the effort of setting up a nursery, considering the time span the baby will actually live there. Instead I plan to get a cradle and set it up next to my bed until the baby grows out of it, which should be after the move. The spare bedroom will be used to house my queen size bed once we get a king size bed, and thus be a spare bedroom for all the visitors we're expecting. (That's the plan at least.)

But I'm tired of all the BS crap sitting in this room. I want to get rid of it, even if it means dropping it off at Goodwill. Making money off it is not worth it to me, especially if I have to go through the stress of selling it.

Grievance # 2:

There's never any time. I feel like I'm repeating myself when I say this, but I swear there is never any time. And I need time! Rarely, RARELY will you ever catch me just lying around watching TV. In fact, when X asks me to sit and watch a movie with him, I truly don't want to, and mostly because I consider those two hours (of watching a movie I didn't want to see to begin with) a huge waste of time! Yall, know about my projects. Well, I've only made minimal headway. My weekends go by too fast. What I really need is time off from work, but I must save my time off because I'll need them for when I have my baby. (That's another grievance I don't even want to get into!) That time used for driving to/from work, showering, eating could really come in handy, but sadly, nope cannot be arranged.

Ok, there are more grievances, but I've used up my lunch hour and really must get on to doing my job, since that's what they pay me to do while I'm here.

Belly Watch 2008: 6 months

And here we are at 6 months.

I'm all belly. I honestly can't believe it's that big already. Or that it's going to get bigger. I still have three months! Three months! I no longer like bending over. Putting on my shoes is a struggle. Polishing my toenails is an even bigger struggle. I'm beginning to feel like a beached whale, especially when I'm laying in bed, trying to switch positions from one side to the next. (Yes, I know I'm supposed to lay on the left side, but I can't do that all night long. My left shoulder and ear starts to hurt.) And now my ankles are begining to show signs of swelling. It's not horrible swelling, just slight swelling, and this is more so at the end of a long day. Not related to my pregnancy, you'll notice I got a haircut since the last photo. It was looking too moppy before, so it was time to get a couple of inches knocked off. What do you think? Does it look like a mom-doo?

I was pretty disappointed at my last doctor's appointment. Well, finding out the sex of the baby was exciting, but all that aside I received some disheartening news: between my appointment on December 28 and my last appointment on January 25, I had gained nine pounds! This is more than I had gained over the holidays. I didn't understand it and this time I didn't have the excuse of the holidays to blame it on. It was January for chrissakes! I was getting back into a routine. There were no major celebrations to eat around. What the heck happened? Well, I finally admitted to myself that, despite the holidays being over, I had continued to indulge when I shouldn't. I continued to eat sweets around the office. In fact, I craved them. Donuts at the morning meeting? Thanks, I'll take two. Candy bars in the kitchen? Why split one, I'll eat a whole one by myself. That's the only thing that makes sense. So since my last appointment, I've cut out the daily sweets from work and tried to limit my carbs in the evening. If I do indulge in a sweet, specifically the ones I've been baking for X on the weekends, I try to eat it early in the day. I assume this has to make a difference. I'm hoping my weight gain at the next appointment won't be so drastic

Then again, maybe I'm having a big whole honker of a baby. I weighed a solid eight pounds when I was born and X weighed around nine. Perhaps a butterball baby is coming our way. Great, I better start getting my arms in shape.

Oh, and I could go into another story about how the cleaning lady once again made me feel like a cow, but it's just more of the same comments she usually makes and honestly it's getting kind of old.

Overwhelmed

Last weekend my mother and I attempted to go register at Babies R Us. Oh my word, there was so much baby-related paraphernalia, my head was spinning. I realized I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. Just looking in the bottle aisle, I was like, "Well, uh...um, how do I know which is better? Avent or Dr. Brown? And how many bottles do I need if I'm going to be breastfeeding? And if I'm breastfeeding, should I get a double or single pump? But then again, are breast pumps really necessary? And, oh my gawd, why are they so expensive?"

Same thing for the strollers and carriers. I'm not sure if I should get a 3-in-1 combo, which I still haven't figured out what the 3rd thing is, or if I should just get seperate items. Then for strollers, I kinda like the ones with three wheels, but it says "Jogger stroller" - so what if I'm not a jogger? Even if I was, would I really be jogging while pushing a stroller? That seems kinda silly.

Oh, and I really want a play pen, which I guess the PC term for it now is "playards," but all the play yards look stupid. What happened to those wood ones with the slats? I'm guessing over the years, those kind were deemed unsafe. Or maybe they're not easy to fold up and lug with you places, along with all the other baby things new parents need to lug around.

Then I saw these ridiculous things that I don't think needed to be invented. One was this Swaddle blanket. I'm like, seriously? Someone actually invented this? 'Cause a basic square blanket was too confusing to work into a swaddle formation? And then there's those play mats, which I don't understand the importance of. Can't I just lay my child on a blanket on the floor and let her stare at the ceiling fan? It worked for plenty of other babies I knew growing up.

And I can't help but think all this baby stuff is just a bunch of clutter. I live in a small apartment, which I understand is not going to be forever, but still there's just so much baby crap needed that I'm not even sure where I'm going to fit it all.

We somehow managed to register for fifty things. Yes, fifty. The lady at the registry desk said people's number one complaint is that there's not enough items to choose from, so we should register for at least 100 items. This means I'll be returning to Babies R Us to register for some more stuff. I hope to register at Target this weekend also. We'll see if I can pull it off, it being Superbowl weekend and all.

Really Get to Know Me

Someone circulated the following to me yesterday in an e-mail. I figured I should move the death post down one and post it on the blog. Play along if you'd like, but let me know if you do.


When you sleep, do you prefer a light to be on or do you prefer the darkness? I need light. Yes, I’m 29, but I’m still afraid of the boogeyman.

If you have kids, how did you choose his/her/their names? If you do not yet have kids, what do you want his/her/their name to be? My first child is coming soon (May). A name has not been chosen, but it will likely be of Spanish influence – either a family name or from Spanish novelas and/or celebrities. Any suggestions?

How did you choose your profession? Foolish me thought advertising would pay well, but mostly I chose it ‘cause I thought it would be a good mix of business and fun and so far it is – something different everyday, well, kinda.

If you could live your life over again, what profession would you choose? I would choose a profession in which I could truly help people, like party planning. (No, seriously.)

What is your favorite curse word? (use symbols if need be, but make it understandable) I don’t have a favorite. I think they all sound horrible, but that doesn’t mean I don’t curse. I really try not to, especially with a little one blooming this spring. I don’t need my baby’s first word to be an F-bomb.

What is your favorite clothing store? It used to be Gap. Now I jump around.

Name one person (just one) living or dead, that you would like to emulate. Jackie Kennedy Onasis

Do you still have one item that you have had since you were 10 years old? If so, what is it? My hot pink cash box. There’s no cash in it, just my small collection of bicentennial quarters.

Cotton, Satin or Silk? Cotton.

Women: Do you like high heels? Men: Do you like it when women wear high heels? I love high heels, one of the wonderful things about being a girl.

What is your favorite (list one only) internet site? http://frugal-fashionista.blogspot.com/

What is your favorite dish to cook/bake (yes, it has to be you that cooks/bakes it)? Oatmeal cake – it tastes way better than it sounds. (Not sure if it's my favorite, but it's the one my mother and I made most recently.)

What is the one thing that no matter what you absolutely want to accomplish before you die? Live to 100…ok, at least 80. (Ok, that’s kind of cheating, but I think living that long is quite the accomplishment.)

What do you do with your spare change? It collects in my wallet and I spend it as needed, especially when I don’t want to break a bill.

Do you have a valid passport? Nope, never left the country before.

If you were a dying millionaire and by law could only leave your entire fortune to one charity, which charity would it be? (don’t be lame and make up some charity, pick a real one!) Big Brothers Big Sisters

If you had the opportunity to be a huge celebrity, complete with paparazzi/gift swag, etc, would you? I would, simply for the gifts/swag/perks, but I probably wouldn’t enjoy the paparazzi part.

Do you believe in the Death Penalty? Yep.

Do you vote? Only for the major elections.

What TV show (current or previous) would you like to see return to the airwaves? Seinfeld

What language (other than your native tongue) do you wish you could speak? Spanish

Do you watch the super bowl for the sports or the commercials? A little of both.