I got asked this question three times within a matter of one hour. I didn't appreciate it and nor did I know how to truthfully answer it. And then I found a link to this article this evening while catching up on some blogs. I'll just copy and paste it here, 'cause I'm sure there are some of you who won't even bother to click on the link.
Carolyn:
Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .
Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
Tacoma, Wash.
Relax and enjoy. You're funny.
Or you're lying about having friends with kids.
Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?
I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.
So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.
It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.
It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.
Applause from me. This pretty much sums it up. But just to elaborate some more...
It takes me twice as long to step out of the house to run a little errand or visit a friend or whatnot. Yes, this was covered in the article, but I feel a need to discuss this point further. Just as soon as I've made her presentable, made myself presentable, have gathered all her baby gear in the diaper bag, have ran through my mental checklist of everything else I need before I step out of the house, the little one decides to poop. If it's a bad one, it requires a whole new outfit. This can easily add ten to fifteen minutes on to my time. Maybe twenty if I decide to attack the stain with soap and water before we head out, you know, just to avoid ruining another outfit that cannot be worn again by mine, or any other baby ('cause who really wants to dress their child in poop-stained gear?). Forget getting ready in 30 minutes, much less an hour. It's a joke in a mother's world.
The fact that it's two in the morning and my little one is sitting at my heels, playing with my cell phone, the only thing that will distract her long enough for me to get one coherent thought out, while I type this post should say plenty. Ok, yes, her sleep schedule is 100% messed up. I blame myself, I blame X, I blame a lot of things. But let's just forget her messed up sleeping for a bit. The fact that I now have to entertain her for probably the next two and half hours in this room and this room alone, lest I wake up the people with paying jobs, pretty much sucks. I've already cried tonight, as I do so many nights, just for the sheer reason that I find it unfair that I'm the only one struggling with this. Mostly I cry because Lucero was a consequence of my actions and she's irreversible. I can't toss her away, nor would I want to, but my Lord, just for a moment it would be nice to not feel alone in this, especially when I'm not supposed to be alone in this.
Yes, X is great with the playfullness and great with the adoration and attention when it comes to Lucero. He loves Lucero to the Nth degree, just like any father should love his child. But it's pretty easy to be loving, playful and a wonderful parent when you're only with your child for two hours a day. I'm with her all day long, and while Lucero and I share some heartfelt moments together, moments that will never be witnessed by anyone but God above, I still grow tired of constantly having to fill the role of caretaker. 'Cause when you boil it down, that's the basic service a mother offers. We throw in the love and everything else as extra measure, which really earns us the title of mother.
This doesn't mean I regret wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. No, not one bit. I relish the fact that I get this opportunity, an opportunity that is not even an option for a lot of mothers. If I added an eight to five to this mix, my life would be a living hell. I'd rather do one thing well than do multiple things badly.
I know this is a lot of complaining, but I'm sure more than a couple of you can relate. And if you can't 'cause you're childless, let this be your warning of what motherhood brings. It's not all rainbows and butterflies. Some moments will be great, but others will be the pits. The only thing you need is patience, and I'm working on that.
(Just for the record, Lucero is now "over" playing with the cell phone and has moved on to my makeup bag - anything to distract her, forget that she has a whole boxful of toys that seem to only hold her attention for two minutes at a time.)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Some Jibber Jabber
That is if my child stays sleeping. Keep your fingers crossed.
So what's new with me?
-Soreness: my triceps, chest and shoulders. The reason: I did 24 push ups on Friday, three sets of eight. I felt like my wrists were going to break while I was doing them. They didn't break though, but holy heck the next day and today, I was so sore! It made it difficult to pickup my child. It just makes me realize how out of use those muscles really are. So I'm hoping if I do some push ups a couple of times a week, my upper body might appear in shape by summer time. I'm also doing Winsor Pilates every weekday, if possible. I do the twenty minute version, which really is 22 minutes, but I find this is the only exercise I can squeeze in while Lucero takes her first nap of the day. Usually Lucero's naps last around twenty to thirty minutes, which really annoys the heck out of me that they're not longer, but I'm not sure how to fix that. Anyway, I've found the twenty minutes of pilates to be challenging, even more so after having a child, especially since it's all about strengthening your core - the abs. One reason it's so tough is you're trying to do slow, controlled movements, which really kills. But I told myself it's time to stop complaining about my gross, squishy, post-baby stomach and get to doing something about it. We'll see how this goes.
-Dreaming of a home. I really want a home of my own. Really bad. I've only looked at one for us. The bedrooms were spacious, but the master bath and closets were pretty sad. Plus, the home would require a ton of upgrades and I'm not sure we can afford to buy a home AND remodel it right off the get-go. The search continues.
-The whole crib issue. We were supposed to borrow a crib from a family member instead of buying one. I wanted to make sure a crib would be worth buying. I didn't want to make the expense of buying a new crib and new sheets only to have Lucero resist sleeping in it. But the crib we were going to borrow was given away by the time we finally decided we should borrow it. We snoozed, we lost. Now what?
That's all for now. Buh-bye.
So what's new with me?
-Soreness: my triceps, chest and shoulders. The reason: I did 24 push ups on Friday, three sets of eight. I felt like my wrists were going to break while I was doing them. They didn't break though, but holy heck the next day and today, I was so sore! It made it difficult to pickup my child. It just makes me realize how out of use those muscles really are. So I'm hoping if I do some push ups a couple of times a week, my upper body might appear in shape by summer time. I'm also doing Winsor Pilates every weekday, if possible. I do the twenty minute version, which really is 22 minutes, but I find this is the only exercise I can squeeze in while Lucero takes her first nap of the day. Usually Lucero's naps last around twenty to thirty minutes, which really annoys the heck out of me that they're not longer, but I'm not sure how to fix that. Anyway, I've found the twenty minutes of pilates to be challenging, even more so after having a child, especially since it's all about strengthening your core - the abs. One reason it's so tough is you're trying to do slow, controlled movements, which really kills. But I told myself it's time to stop complaining about my gross, squishy, post-baby stomach and get to doing something about it. We'll see how this goes.
-Dreaming of a home. I really want a home of my own. Really bad. I've only looked at one for us. The bedrooms were spacious, but the master bath and closets were pretty sad. Plus, the home would require a ton of upgrades and I'm not sure we can afford to buy a home AND remodel it right off the get-go. The search continues.
-The whole crib issue. We were supposed to borrow a crib from a family member instead of buying one. I wanted to make sure a crib would be worth buying. I didn't want to make the expense of buying a new crib and new sheets only to have Lucero resist sleeping in it. But the crib we were going to borrow was given away by the time we finally decided we should borrow it. We snoozed, we lost. Now what?
That's all for now. Buh-bye.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Life at 8 Months
For some reason eight months seems like such a bigger deal than seven months. Maybe because she's 2/3 of the way closer to one year. But she's something else, alright. Her little personality is coming through loud and clear. She's very good at pushing away things, such as my arm when I'm trying to feed her baby food. Also, she's figured out if she keeps her mouth shut tight then mommy can't put the spoon in her mouth or pull out the food she's still chewing on. Her obsession with remote controls, telephones, and cell phones continues, even though she has pretend ones to play with. She's pretty much interested in everything, but her toys, which really kinda sucks since she got a ton of toys for Christmas. Her two little bottom teeth are showing a bit more, but there are no others in sight. But with her two little teeth she's figured out how to take the cap off her Gerber cereal snacks. Still no crawling. I'm thinking maybe she'll be one of those babies who skips crawling and goes straight to walking. And she's babbling tons more. She seems to be saying mama in a sorta-kinda-way, but she just keeps saying mamamamama, so it's not two syllables but more like eight. She doesn't make eye contact with me when she does this, so I don't take it to mean much since it doesn't appear to be directed at me. However, she is growling at us, especially when we object to her doing something, she lets out a "grrrrr." I'm not sure where she picked this up. Maybe X showed her. But like always, she's such a joy to have around.
Weight: 17lbs
Height: about 27inches
Us on Christmas Eve
About to open her first gifts
On Christmas night. (The Dr Pepper is not a gift, but served as a bumper so Lucero wouldn't knock the tree down when she was in her baby walker.)
Lucero with her gifts unwrapped.
Lucero being Lucero.
Lucero and her aversion to affection. She gets that from me.
During a very brief visit to San Antonio, us at the Mariachi Bar. That's right I took my baby to a bar and she loved it! She especially enjoyed the mariachis.
End of the night at Mi Tierra
Lucero and her vintage high chair.
In other Lucero news, she started the New Year off with a bang. Or more like another roll off the bed. I was in the shower and everyone else in the house was sleeping, so she couldn't be rescued right away. Apparently the fall didn't bother her enough to cry that much, because when I found her she was pretty quiet, just chilling, waiting for me to rescue her. The problem is that she's become very mobile, even though she's not crawling or walking, but she's leaning forward and every which way, which I imagine is what happened when she woke up from her sleep. I imagine she was looking around and though I had pillows on each side of her to keep her from rolling, that didn't stop her from leaning too much and causing her to fall off the bed. She doesn't realize how much weight she's carrying nowadays and what happens when gravity takes a hold of it.
Anyway, I think it's time to get her in a crib, which is where I wanted her to begin with. Yes, she resisted the cradle at 4 weeks, but I have to get her accustomed to sleeping not in my bed. It will only be a matter of time before she is crawling, walking and doing God-knows-what else and I can't have her climbing out of bed when it's sleepytime. Truthfully, I never wanted to share a bed with my child, even if I have a pillow between us to give myself some space and a buffer from rolling on her, not that I would - I'm a very light sleeper. But I really feel she's begun to rely on me there. Whenever she whimpers a little in her sleep, I know it's because she lost her pacifier and wants it back in her mouth. So there I am stirring myself, looking for her pacee just to place it back in. I need to transition her out of the bed into her own, but I'm not sure how to even attempt it, without her throwing a major fit. But it needs to be done, 'cause once we get our own place, the next step will be moving her into a room of her own. So, my friends, any advice or recommended reading material?
One last thing, happy 2009.
Weight: 17lbs
Height: about 27inches
About to open her first gifts
On Christmas night. (The Dr Pepper is not a gift, but served as a bumper so Lucero wouldn't knock the tree down when she was in her baby walker.)
Lucero with her gifts unwrapped.
Lucero being Lucero.
Lucero and her aversion to affection. She gets that from me.
During a very brief visit to San Antonio, us at the Mariachi Bar. That's right I took my baby to a bar and she loved it! She especially enjoyed the mariachis.
End of the night at Mi Tierra
Lucero and her vintage high chair.
In other Lucero news, she started the New Year off with a bang. Or more like another roll off the bed. I was in the shower and everyone else in the house was sleeping, so she couldn't be rescued right away. Apparently the fall didn't bother her enough to cry that much, because when I found her she was pretty quiet, just chilling, waiting for me to rescue her. The problem is that she's become very mobile, even though she's not crawling or walking, but she's leaning forward and every which way, which I imagine is what happened when she woke up from her sleep. I imagine she was looking around and though I had pillows on each side of her to keep her from rolling, that didn't stop her from leaning too much and causing her to fall off the bed. She doesn't realize how much weight she's carrying nowadays and what happens when gravity takes a hold of it.
Anyway, I think it's time to get her in a crib, which is where I wanted her to begin with. Yes, she resisted the cradle at 4 weeks, but I have to get her accustomed to sleeping not in my bed. It will only be a matter of time before she is crawling, walking and doing God-knows-what else and I can't have her climbing out of bed when it's sleepytime. Truthfully, I never wanted to share a bed with my child, even if I have a pillow between us to give myself some space and a buffer from rolling on her, not that I would - I'm a very light sleeper. But I really feel she's begun to rely on me there. Whenever she whimpers a little in her sleep, I know it's because she lost her pacifier and wants it back in her mouth. So there I am stirring myself, looking for her pacee just to place it back in. I need to transition her out of the bed into her own, but I'm not sure how to even attempt it, without her throwing a major fit. But it needs to be done, 'cause once we get our own place, the next step will be moving her into a room of her own. So, my friends, any advice or recommended reading material?
One last thing, happy 2009.
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